How to not kill your partner during stressful times

As the pandemic goes on, we’re going to be spending even more time with our partners, at least those of us who live with our partners. That strange laugh she does when she’s nervous is driving you up a wall. His occasionally charming - or at least tolerable - humming while working makes you want to stab him with your dinner fork. The little things you can normally ignore suddenly seem super annoying. Or worse, the things that were already annoying are now making you feel homicidal.

Basically, you’re getting too much of each other.

You need to find a way to make it through this, because let’s be honest, it’s a terrible time to be looking for apartments. Here are a few tips that might help. Failing that, I offer couples sessions via video.

  1. Remember, you are just as annoying as your partner. It’s cold comfort when you’re angry, but your partner probably finds you just as annoying as you are finding him/her/them.

  2. Don’t treat your extra time together as an extended weekend - it’s not. If you normally work Monday through Friday away from your partner, then spend weekdays in a different room. Or, at the least, not engaging in frequent conversation with your partner.

  3. Adult timeouts are a thing. You can call them anything you want, and some people get quite creative. My favorite that a couple came up with: “You are approaching the F-you zone.” If things are getting heated, then agree a 20-30 minute break can be called. And if your partner calls a break, please don’t follow them around the house trying to get them to engage. Just let them go, stalker.

  4. Try to meet some of your emotional/social needs by staying connected with friends and family. This does not mean Facebook or Instagram. It means old-fashioned telephone calls or video calls. It might mean sending a card to your father or a small care package to your sister.

  5. Stop complaining. Seriously, stop it. Nobody wants to hear it; not even your partner. If you want to go on a rant about something, limit it to 5 minutes. Set a timer and stop the second it rings. Nothing wears out goodwill as quickly as your partner feeling like you’re using them as a trash can. And that’s how complaining can feel to others: like they are getting dumped on.

And if you and your partner (or just you) are struggling, you might really want to consider therapy. It’s not just for crazy people; it’s for everyone.

Be well and stay healthy.

When to seek couples counseling

The course of true love never did run smooth.
- William Shakespeare

 

Often, couples come to counseling as a last-ditch effort to save a relationship. For married couples, the next phone call might be to an attorney to initiate divorce proceedings. Couples in crisis might expect counseling to fix long-term relationship problems within a few months, or even a few weeks. Although it is possible to help couples come back from the brink of catastrophe, it takes a lot of time, effort, and commitment. It is much easier and more productive to address issues before they become serious. Here are some signs you would benefit from couples therapy:

1. You and your partner can't seem to communicate. This could include not talking about problems at all, constantly fighting about the same issues, or feeling fearful to bring up sensitive topics with your partner.

2. Your sex life has significantly changed, or you have recently begun to argue about money. Sex and money are rarely just about sex and money. Problems regarding sex and money are often linked to deeper issues, including emotional intimacy. 

3. An issue that won't go away. If you and your partner keep having the same issue, despite talking endlessly about it, it might be time to seek counseling. Common issues that recur for couples are: past infidelity, differences in parenting, how to manage money, and past traumas (both outside and inside the relationship).

4. You or your partner have been contemplating breaking up/divorcing. This is a sign that one or both of you are unhappy in the relationship, and the issues are not being resolved.

If you and your partner still care for each other and are willing to work on problems in the relationship, counseling can be very effective. It is neither a miracle cure nor quick. Keep in mind how long the problems have taken to develop.

If you would like to consult with me about whether couples therapy might be helpful for you, feel free to contact me. 

 

Suicide Commission to be established in Colorado

Governor Hickenlooper signed a new bill in May 2014 authorizing a Suicide Commission to be established in Colorado to work on reducing the high rate of suicide in the state. This is an exciting development for Colorado, which has one of the highest rates of suicide in the United States. I will provide additional information about the Commission as it becomes available. For now, if you want to read the bill (which is not too complicated), you can do so here:

http://www.colorado.gov/clics/clics2014a/csl.nsf/fsbillcont/D1D11353A28C43A887257C360078DCC3?Open&file=088_enr.pdf