What if I’m thinking of ending this relationship?

Is it still a good idea to do couples therapy if I’m half out the door?

No

Couples therapy can’t be effective with only one customer. It needs two customers.

It can be hard to figure out if Discernment Counseling (DC) is right for you. So here’s a little guidance

  • “I want it the relationship to work but I’m unhappy”

    • Couples therapy!

  • “If things don’t change, I’ll consider leaving”

    • Couples therapy!

  • “My partner drives me crazy but I love them, and I’m not ready to leave”

    • Couples therapy!

  • “I’m really not sure this relationship is worth it”

    • Maybe DC

  • “I’ve been thinking of leaving for a long time”

    • DC

  • “Do I even have the energy for couples therapy?”

    • DC

  • “We’re probably going to split up anyway”

    • DC

  • “In my free time, I check out apartment rentals in case I want to leave”

    • DC

  • “I would have been gone years ago if we didn’t have kids”

    • DC

So what is Discernment Counseling?

DC is a non-therapy intervention to help people decide on one of three paths:

  • Stay in the relationship but don’t work to improve it (believe it or not, about 12% of people choose this path)

  • Separate or divorce (42% choose this path)

  • Stay in the relationship and commit to 6 months of couples therapy, making an all-out effort with separation/divorce off the table (48% choose this path)

If the couple chooses path 3 (work on the relationship), then they usually choose to do couples therapy with me, since we’ve already been working together.

DC is not about making the relationship better…it’s about deciding if you want to make the relationship better

The Process

DC is between 1 and 5 sessions; some couples need more discernment, some need less

Session 1

  • I will meet with you together for 30-35 minutes. There will be 4 questions about your relationship that you will each answer

  • Then I meet with one of you for 30-35 minutes; usually I start with the person who is more “leaning out” of the relationship. We will talk a little bit about why you are so unhappy, and the rest of the time will be spent talking about the 3 paths. We will also talk about what you might have done to contribute to the problems in the relationship

  • At the end of my time with person 1, the other partner will join us for a brief summary of what was discussed

  • Then I meet with the second partner for 30-35 minutes. We will talk about what is making you unhappy, the 3 paths, and what you might have done to contribute to the problems

  • At the end of my time with person 2, the first partner will join us for a brief summary of what was discussed

  • You decide if you want another DC meeting or if you’ve gained clarify about the 3 paths and which one you want to take

Sessions 2-5

  • I meet with you together briefly (2-10 minutes) to check in about where you are in your decision making about the relationship

  • Then I meet with person 1, followed by a summary for person 2

  • Then I meet with person 2, followed by a summary for person 1

  • And you decide if more discernment is needed, or if you are able to make a decision about which path you want to take

If you still want additional details about the DC process, here’s a good article

If you think that Couples Therapy might be right for you, click here to learn more Couples Therapy

If you think that you might want to work on yourself first, click here to learn more about Individual Therapy